At first, I was hurt. I was angry. I was bitter but then I became grateful because when you let me down, you made me change my life. Thank you for taking your love away from me. Thank you for not telling me things I needed to hear to love myself. Thank you for not showering me with the love and support I needed to thrive. Thank you for constantly reminding me that I’ll never find love in your arms because you forced me to fight for another kind of live. You forced me to love myself without your help and you forced me to look for the kind of love you never had, the kind of love you never knew. You made me realize that all you knew was a hostile kind of love. The kind of love that hurts and offends people. The kind of love that keeps score. The kind of love that turns into a war of who cares less, who’s always wrong and who can lose faster. Thank you for showing what kind of love I really don’t need in my life. Thank you for letting me down. Thank you for leaving. Thank you for the hurt, for the confusion. You forced me to upgrade. You forced me to find myself. You forced me to find better and more loving people and you forced me to find a better life. A life where I don’t have to be condemned for being human, for making mistakes, for learning or for growing up. A life where I can be myself and still feel safe. A life where speaking up doesn’t cost you. A life where love is freely given without any tears, bruises, or injuries. A life, where I am happy. A life where I have finally stopped settling for the things I do not deserve.
Never settle for someone who treats you like a backup plan. Someone who puts you second instead of making you a first priority. Never settle for someone who picks and chooses when to answer your texts. Someone who makes you wait for a reply. Never settle for someone who tells you how much you mean to them, but never proves it. Someone who says all of the right things, but never does the right things. You should never be a part of the background. And afterthought. You should be the first and only person they think about when they wake up in the morning. You should be the person they can’t wait to see, the person they’re eager to text back. Wait for someone who shows up on time. Someone who follows through on their promises. Wait for someone who calls you up to deliver good news, because you’re the first person they thought of telling. Someone who makes an effort to include you in their life. Wait for someone who has an actual interest in what you have to say, not someone who wants you to be quiet so they can talk about their day. Not someone who is secretly thinking about other things while you speak. Wait for someone who makes it clear they care about you and they’re willing to commit to you. Someone who lets their friends, parents, and Facebook friends know that you are their person, forever and always. Please, never settle for someone who puts you second, because you deserve to be a first priority.
You should date someone that treats you terribly. Who treats you the way that makes all your friends wonder what the hell you are thinking. Find someone that treats you like shit/ Find someone who never texts you back and always lets you initiate plans. Find someone who uses you and can never seem to be there when you actually need them. Be with someone that doesn’t care about your needs, ambitions or your thoughts. Find someone that disappoints you repeatedly and never says sorry. Find someone that doesn’t care. And then date them and justify why you are the only one who gets them, who knows who they really are. Pretend like everything’s fine. Convince yourself that you can change their habits. Convince yourself that you can change them. Believe that if you stick around, they will like you even more for always being there when they weren’t the person you needed them to be. Date them even when you probably shouldn’t. And then get your heart broken. Be devastated by it, by them. Sit there, holding yourself together and wonder what you did wrong. Blame yourself for their issues. Blame yourself for why they treated you like shit. Date someone that treats you like shit. Because when you date someone that treats you like shit, you will realize how you actually want to be treated.
Tall and blonde were the two things I felt like I needed to be for me to have more attention from him instead of her getting it all. When I found out about the other girl I cried so hard I puked for two days straight. It hurt. It hurt badly. I couldn’t tell her about him and I because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings even though mine were already hurt. The night of the show at Skyway I cried until I couldn’t breathe when I found out he went with her instead of me. I wore my heart on my sleeve for him and all he did was make me regret every second of it. I now can’t see him and pretend like he didn’t hurt me when he gave her attention. I can’t pretend like it doesn’t bother me every time I see him and think he picked her over me. There were more days than I can count that I wondered why I wasn’t good enough. There were more days than I can count that I wondered if I could even find the strength to get out of bed. Because the thing is I’ve never been someone’s first choice. I’m always their backup plan. I’m never the person someone makes plans with first, I’m someone they make plans with after their first plans fall through. I tried really hard and I learned no matter how much you try some people will never be satisfied. I’ve also learned that usually the best people are ones that come as a surprise. But the best people also continue to surprise you. Through all the hurt and pain he gave me some of the best moments of my life. He didn’t fit into my neat pre-packaged plan. It was mess and inconvenient at times. I never want to forget him but forgiving him will take a long time. He told me he really liked me, he got my hopes up. He wrote “u r cute” on my front window and ever since I haven’t touched it when I clean my car and that’s all I need to look at when I’m having a bad day.
To be completely honest, sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes we don’t know if we’ll make it through. Sometimes we don’t know where we are headed or the “why” behind our circumstances. Sometimes our hearts break. Sometimes we lose people we love and our worlds are left in pieces. Sometimes we feel helpless. Sometimes we’re scared. Sometimes we don’t want to open our eyes when we hear that alarm clock go off. But here’s the thing, today you did. Today you opened your eyes. Today you shrugged out of bed. Today you took a breath, you steped forward, and you continued. And that’s what’s truly admireable. And I know it’s hard. Moving forward was damn hard. But you did it. You continued. And so, today, I only hope for one thing: I hope that you learn to laugh. I know your days are tough. I know you believe in goodness, because goodness had failed you time and time again. I know you ache, I know. But I hope you learn to laugh today. And I hope you laugh until it doesn’t hurt as much. Until you forget. And I hope that laughter gives you strength. Because believe me when I say that you are powerful. Believe me when I say you can do this.
If you’re reading this and you’re not happy right now, you will be. I don’t know what you’re going through. Everyone has their own type of darkness that they are trying to make sense of, but no matter how dark it gets, you’ll do it. Life gets better, you’ll get better. Life will become brighter, and you’ll look back on days like these when you couldn’t look forward to the next hour, let alone the next day. When you do, you’ll smile, maybe even laugh, and it will hit you. You turned out just fine.
I’ll be for myself, everything you couldn’t be. I’ll wake up and tell myself that I have a purpose. I’ll give myself pep talks when I’m feeling down. I’ll take myself on dates and get my favorite food. I’ll make sure to listen to my thoughts. I’ll take care of myself. I won’t neglect anything that has to do with my heart. Because the truth is there is nothing you could have done for me that I couldn’t have done for myself, but I wanted you to make me feel less alone, to make me feel like there was someone out there that cared as much as I did. And I think that’s the most important lesson you learn when you fall for the wrong person; that you could be everything you want to yourself if you really had to and that sometimes you’re the only person you can really count on. You’re the only person that’s not going to leave you and the love you give yourself is all that really matters. So this is my vow to myself— I promise I’ll always be there for me, I promise to be kinder to myself when I start doubting my existence, I promise to be aware of my thoughts and feelings and cater to them. And I promise as long as I live, I’ll always love myself, even when it’s hard, even when I’m being difficult, even when I’m not perfect, and even if no one else loves me. I’ll never give up on myself. I’ll always be proud of myself and the battles that I have fought. I’ll be my forever and I’ll be there for myself through thick and thin. I finally realized that what I had been looking for was already in me, it just took me you not seeing it for me to see it.