When I Lost You…

When I lost you, I remember the feeling in my throat turning to sandpaper. The red veins that ran vibrant through my body suddenly turned cold. I lay still in my room hearing my heart rate speed up as if I had just ran a marathon. It felt like the cells in my body suddenly froze and my brain could not catch up to my heart. When I lost you, I could not even process it because you were all I knew. And my body did not know how to live in a place not connected to you. It felt like a dream of someone else I knew. Except I could not pause it and I could not wake up. Maybe my brain was trying to protect me from my reality, but I felt numb all over; like my whole body was flooded with anesthesia. The scariest part was when the numbness died and I felt everything. It did not just come in waves, it came in one single tidal wave. I was drowning for a long time. On some days, I did not want to come up for air, I just wanted to sink deeper and deeper. Time has always been thought of as the enemy, as something to push back. But, I had found that time was my only friend in the loss of you. After awhile it made me want to swim instead of sink. It actually made me want to live my life again, instead of being the person walking around with ghosts in her head. People say that time heals all wounds, but I would disagree. Time will not ever heal a wound to forget that it is there or forget that it happened. Time leaves a scar to remind you of what you faced and how you fought through it. It will remind you of excruciating pain, but also how you grimaced through it and then felt relief when the cast came off.

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