Let go. Let yourself experience new things. Learn everything you did not know. Don’t limit those you love, go on and do it with all of your heart. Improve your daily routine and make things at their better state, including your being, You are wasting such a precious time in your life where you can still change the fact that you’re normal, mainstream and living inside your box. You can be unique, successful, and be someone who you though you can never be. You won’t be living forever as what you are right now, you can be the complete opposite. You can be the best.
I do not think recovery is a straight road. I do not think it progressively gets better. Some days, you feel like flying, like everything is soft and warm and the nights are long without being sad. Some nights you wake up with so much lightness, with wings growing out of your back, with your fingers touching the stars from your bedroom window. Other days, however, you wake up wanting to die again. Everything feels heavy and slow and your fingers will ache with numbness. These days, you will not eat. You will sit in silence in rooms full of noise, feel your chest tighten. These days, you will text him and tell him you miss him. These days, he does not reply. These days, your friends make fun of how quiet you become, how you never say a thing. These days, you tell them you are tired. You tell them you have not slept. You do not tell them about the burn in your chest, how breathing became a burden. How soft death looks, how often you think of walking onto busy streets in rush hour. These days, however, will pass. One day, you will wake up feeling light again, feel the stars at the tip of your fingers, teach yourself to eat again. One day, you will forget what all that weight felt like, what thinking of death felt like.
I should have told you I loved you, not in a fun, joking tone, but in an honest and genuine tone so you knew how important you were to me without and hesitation. I told you I loved you, but never enough. I should have told you more. I should have told you that I never meant to hurt you in this life and that I am so sorry for any pain I caused you. I should have told you that no matter what no one could ever replace you, no one could ever come close no matter how long it has been. I should have told you that I would not be close to the person I am today without you and now knowing that you are not here to see who I have become still breaks my heart. I should have told you that every piece of advice you gave me was not taken for granted because now that is all I cling to when I need a little inspiration. Your words are my reminder to love life and they make me feel like you are still here. I should have told you that your laugh was my favorite sound in the whole world and just the sound of it could instantly brighten my day. I should have told you that your hugs felt like home to me and in your arms I felt so safe. I should have held you one more time and never let you go, and then maybe you would still be here. Maybe if I never let go you would never have had to leave me. I should have told you that the thought of you not being in my life scares the hell out of me.I should have told you how much I loved you. I would give anything for one more minute with you.
I think about dying but I don’t want to die. Not even close. In fact my problem is the complete opposite. I want to live, I want to escape. I feel trapped and bored and claustrophobic. There’s so much to see and so much to do but I somehow still find myself doing nothing at all. I’m still here in this metaphorical bubble of existence and I can’t quite figure out what the hell I’m doing or how to get out of it.
Your life will be a mess sometimes; a big fat mess of broken alcohol bottles and tears racing down your cheeks at 3 a.m. it will be failing math tests and not getting into the college you applied for. It will be the boy you love falling in love with another girl and your best friend moving across the country. It will be the world caving in and you not being able to breathe and it will be shaky hands and slurred words and beating hearts- but it will also be beautiful. It will be roadtrips across the country with you best friend with the radio loud and your heart so free that it feels like it is going to explode out of your chest. It will be late nights on the roof with only the stars above you and you are holding the boy you love and he says to you that he loves you back. It will be early mornings with the sunlight draped across your back as you are curled beneath the sheets soaked with the same light that fills your soul. It will be midnight bonfires on the beach while falling asleep with your eyes sparkling and your heart pounding and the waves that tossed you around filling your lungs. It will be dancing in the middle of the street at midnight with your feet brushing the ground and hair tangled with wonder and euphoria. It will be comfort, love, light, and freedom. It will be finding yourself in things you love and losing yourself there too. It will be drunken kisses, shaking breaths, and warm heartbeats. It will be magic. You just gotta wait.
One day you are going to meet someone, and everything will make sense. All of the sleepless nights, heartbreaks, rejections, unrequited crushes, moments that made you doubt yourself and doubt love and doubt everything in between. It will all dissolve the moment you meet them, the moment they wrap you in their arms and you think, “This. This is what I was waiting for.” You will know, because everything will make sense. You will not be sitting there questioning the validity of your feelings. Because your feelings will be unquestionable, and your feelings will be noting but sure. You will not be sitting there wondering what love feels like, if butterflies are real, if it is possible to meet a person and feel your souls saying, “You. I was waiting for you.” One day you are going to meet someone and everything will make sense. The times when you were defeated, when love was ripped away from you, when people could not and did not love you back. All of those hard times and bad times and rough times will feel like a distant memory because all you will be able to focus on is them. This person, who really loves you so completely and wonderfully, will be all that matters. Because they love you the way you deserve, the way you have wanted. One day you are going to meet someone, and everything will make sense. Those love songs you have rolled your eyes at will have you singing along, those poetry books will have new meaning, even text messages will make you smile at times you never thought possible because you will be in love. You will be in love. And you will be in a love so pure and so magical that everything you previously found unrelatable will start to look like your life. Your mind will be at ease, your heart will feel like it has found a home. Because when you meet that person, everything will be calm, everything will be good. Everything will feel like it has been leading up to the moment when you stopped, laid eyes on them, and your life completely changes. One day you are going to meet someone, and everything will make sense. You just have to be willing to wait to meet them.
I have never been a casual type of girl. And I am not sure I know how to be. I have always been the head-over-heels girl, the all-in girl, the girl who is not afraid to hold her heart in her hands and freely give it to the man that treats her right, I have always been the strong girl, finding confidence in vulnerability, in letting good guys in; but I hate showing my feelings. have always been the girl who believes in love and fights for it. See, what I have never understood is the point of casual. What is the point of engaging in something that does not mean anything?In spending time with someone when you know a relationship is not what you want? Are you trying to trick yourself, trying to convince your heart that “pretend love” is real love? Because it is not. I once told myself I could do casual. That because I did not want a boyfriend, I could just date guys and have a good time. I could go for pizza and laugh and kiss and enjoy their company. I could be happy and they could be happy without all the complicated rules of being a couple. But there was no security, no promise, no guarantee that he would be there. It started to feel fake. To feel pointless. To feel like we were messing with each others hearts. And if we could never fully commit, then what were we doing. We were pretending. And I can not pretend. I am fearless when it comes to love, and I have always been. I have never been afraid to jump in, to give my heart away, to trust another person. But maybe what I need to realize is that I can not do that right now. So in the meantime I can not settle for casual. Maybe I just need to give my heart some time. Let it construct and reform on its own before letting anyone get too close. Maybe it is not about leaving the door halfway open, only allowing someone step inside partway, but keeping it fully closed until I am ready. Maybe I will never be a casual girl. And maybe that is okay.