I Have Never Been a Casual Type of Girl

I have never been a casual type of girl. And I am not sure I know how to be. I have always been the head-over-heels girl, the all-in girl, the girl who is not afraid to hold her heart in her hands and freely give it to the man that treats her right, I have always been the strong girl, finding confidence in vulnerability, in letting good guys in; but I hate showing my feelings. have always been the girl who believes in love and fights for it. See, what I have never understood is the point of casual. What is the point of engaging in something that does not mean anything?In spending time with someone when you know a relationship is not what you want? Are you trying to trick yourself, trying to convince your heart that “pretend love” is real love? Because it is not. I once told myself I could do casual. That because I did not want a boyfriend, I could just date guys and have a good time. I could go for pizza and laugh and kiss and enjoy their company. I could be happy and they could be happy without all the complicated rules of being a couple. But there was no security, no promise, no guarantee that he would be there. It started to feel fake. To feel pointless. To feel like we were messing with each others hearts. And if we could never fully commit, then what were we doing. We were pretending. And I can not pretend. I am fearless when it comes to love, and I have always been. I have never been afraid to jump in, to give my heart away, to trust another person. But maybe what I need to realize is that I can not do that right now. So in the meantime I can not settle for casual. Maybe I just need to give my heart some time. Let it construct and reform on its own before letting anyone get too close. Maybe it is not about leaving the door halfway open, only allowing someone step inside partway, but keeping it fully closed until I am ready. Maybe I will never be a casual girl. And maybe that is okay.

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