The thing is, if you’re trying to convince someone that they should be with you, that they should commit to you, that they should love you, you’ve already lost. Hesitation is an answer. Indecisiveness is an answer. As much as we all want to be the exception, statically, it’s just not possible. And it is a dangerous thing to think that you are the exception. It closes you off to the possibility- no, the certainty- that there is someone out there who would never hesitate about you. Love is so much more than a biochemical chain of events that take place in your brain. After initial fleeting feelings, it’s a choice. Its an active decision to choose a person- when they are at their best and at their worst- every single day. Stop wishing to be the exception for someone who isn’t choosing you. The true giddy happiness that keeps you up at night will hit when the person you’ve chosen has chosen you right back- wholeheartedly, undoubtedly chosen you.
Seek the person you want to be with no matter what, because being together is so much better than being apart. The one who makes you surroundings slip away because their presence is the only aspect of your surroundings that really counts. The one who inspires you to abandon your routine and all of your daily comforts in the name of togetherness because there is nothing more comforting than the way you feel when they are nearby. There is so much power in loving someone with all of your heart and letting that love guide you day in and day out. So go find the person who helps you adjust the lens through which you see life’s darkest parts. When you do, you will feel automatically stronger. Better equipped to live. Better prepared to take risks. Better positioned to smile, even when it seems impossible.
I blocked you today because I was ready to delete you and your memories from my life. I was ready to clean my news feed, getting rid of your dust. I am over seeing what you like and where you are. I am over waiting for one like or one comment from you. I am done trying to impress you when you are probably not even looking. I am done fighting for your attention when you are giving it to someone else. I blocked you today because I wanted to remember who I was before you came into my life and made me hate myself. I blocked you because I have to love myself. I blocked you to post things for mee instead of trying to send you a message. Or maybe I am trying to send one final message to you: you can not reach me anymore, you now belong to a list of strangers I have never met. You now can not like my pictures or see my posts or even see me.
Have you ever fallen in love with the idea of someone? Have you ever fallen in love with the idea of someone treating you with all the respect you deserve? Have you ever fallen in love with the butterflies you get when you picture yourself with him? I have fallen in love with a pretty picture of perfectly put together guy who I can call mine. I have fallen in love with the happiness he brought me in the past. I thought I had fallen in love with him, but one day I opened my eyes to see him for who he really was. He was meant to be on his own. He was cracked. He was not perfect, and that is okay, but that is not who I fell in love with. I created the boy I wanted, and I did not really think about what I needed.
I hated being perceived as weak. I hated someone seeing me vulnerable. I hated that I had cried. But then I realized, being vulnerable made me human. Crying was natural. And weak was the last word anyone would ever use to describe me. So to you I say to the same person who feels guilty or bad for maybe a breakdown or two you are not weak. Do you ever just get that feeling like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders? And you honestly think like one more thing happens you are going to crack. Then all of a sudden you do. Like me, you might be a perfectionist. You care a lot about what people think of you. And you try so hard to hold it together. Sometimes you just cannot. Something happens and that is it. It hits you like a wave that knocks you off of your feet and the next thing you know you are drowning in your tears reaching for anything to keep you afloat. Every once and awhile someone does save you. But you are never been one who needs saving. You have never been someone who had to rely on others so you feel a sense of guilt for not being able to handle this alone. Do not feel guilty for needing someone sometimes. We all do. Breakdowns remind us of who we are at our worst, but they also give us a chance to see who accepts us at the points when we are not ourselves. It gives us a chance to have someone tell us, this does not even compare to who you are at your best. Yeah some people will look the other way. But every once and awhile someone will rise to the occasion and be the rock you need in your life. They will dry your tears not judging you. They will tell you you are pretty when you feel anything but pretty. Falling gives you someone a chance to pick you up and dust you off and they are the voice reminding you to try again that you are better than this. Because you are. You might look at yourself as weak but I just think you have spent way too much time being strong and that is something to be proud of.
Every day reminds me of us. My love for you has not gone away. I told myself that I would love you forever. I promised you that I would love you always. As the seasons change from summer, to fall, quickly into winter and too long into spring, I know that one thing will not. Being in love with you may not be my future anymore, but loving you is. My broken heart will heal, my favorite color will return, my heart will beat individually, and my promise will still be kept. Unconditional love does not come around often, and it is not always a two way street. Being destroyed by someone usually causes hatred. Hatred will only hurt me though, and despite me losing you, you are the one that lost something. My love for you is unconditional and you lost the ability to feel that from me. I will care from afar. I will hope you are happy from miles away, and when I see a shooting star I will remember you and your dreams. You will forget about me and the way I looked at you. You will fall in love and my kiss will be a distant memory. You will delete photos and throw away gifts. But I will not. I told you I would love you forever; my heart always keeps its promises.
I hope you know I will never regret you. I will never look back on my life and close my eyes to our memories. I will never wish you did not exist. You were my first love, and quite possible the love of my life. You were everything to me once. And so, you will be something to me always. You will always be the boy who opened up my heart. You will always be the boy who I fell in love with. You are not the guy who broke my heart anymore. You are not the guy who broke me down. You are more important than to ever just have that title to your name. You hurt me, but that does not mean I do not still hold a place for you in my heart. You hurt me, but that does not change what we were. We were everything that was right in the world. And I will never dare to regret that. And so, I promise to you, I will never regret you. I could never regret the person who taught me so much.