It is always the person who you will not think will ever hurt you that always does and it is always the best friend that’s “forever” that ends up being the one who’s not. Nothing is fucking predictable, and you cannot predict anyones intentions in your life, you can only live through them. And these past couple weeks I have been feeling so damn alone, I seem to forget that I am surrounded by people. I used to think that we were forever. I mean, we have been through worst, and we were still side by side after it all and now nothing has even happened, we just stopped telling each other everything and then we just stopped telling each other anything at all, and then before I could even make sense of it, there was so much distance between us that there was nothing to reach for anymore. You are so far away, and there is no point in reaching over anymore because we are not the same people we used to be. I used to think that when somebody said they loved you they will love you forever. I used to think loving someone was something that would never go away. The words “I love you” were so raw for me, but none of that makes sense anymore because the truth is, people lie. Sometimes “I love you” is just a lie, and sometimes it is not. But when do you know when it is real? the answer is, you do not… and sometimes someone will love you one day and then completely ignore you the next for no reason at all. nothing about anything makes sense anymore. people are here one day, they are gone the next. sometimes you do not even get a reason, you just get to stay up night after night wondering where the fuck did it all go wrong? And it just does not make sense. nothing makes sense, and I do not know how to take in the fact that, there are no reasons for why things happen, and sometimes you get no reason to why someone just stops loving you and stops being there for you. You just get to live through it.
Maybe we are better off as friends, when I thought about it, you cannot really be my lover. Friends like to play it safe and I do not want someone who plays it safe with it comes to love, when it comes to me I want someone who is willing to take a risk and take a chance without being so hesitant. Friends do not like to cross certain boundaries or talk about certain things and I want someone who crosses an ocean for me and with me and I want to talk about everything without paying attention to what I am saying. I want to talk about everything I am not supposed to talk about. Friends are afraid of doing anything that might give a wrong impression and I want someone who is free to do whatever he wants, free to say whatever he wants, someone who is not guarded or cautious with me. Friends are not okay with too much depth, too much intimacy or too much of everything for just a friend. Because friendship is a beautiful thing but not as beautiful as love. Friendship is comforting but love is healing. Friendship will give meaning to your life but love will change your life. Because love is not for the weak, not for the faint-hearted, not for the ones who say one thing and do another and love is not for those who are content with friendship when they could have more. Love is for the strong, for the fearless, for the ones who are not afraid to try, not afraid to feel, not afraid to hurt and not afraid to get out of the friend zone and enter the realm of love. And I want someone who is not afraid to take that leap, I want someone who knows it is safe to be my friend but it is dangerous to lose me as a lover. I want someone who is not afraid of danger.And I have some to realize that this is not who you are, so maybe you were right after all, we are better off as friends.
After several long months (almost a year), I realized that losing you was not really a loss. Losing you made sense. Losing you was inevitable. I lost you because I never really had you. You were never really mine, you were always searching for something away from me, you were always thinking of someone else when you were with me. I lost you because I would have lost who I was if I held onto you. I lost you to find myself. See, I learned that it is better to lose some people than to hold on to the hope of them coming back, because a person who does not want to lose you, will never let you slip away. But you did not fight. You did not try. And in turn, you made my decision for me. You made it easier for me to think of losing you as another way to find myself- another way to save myself. And for the first time, you made me realize that not every person you lose is a loss and that losing can sometimes be winning. For the first time, you made me realize that losing someone is sometimes the only way to love yourself. For the first time, you made me realize there is so much more to be found in losing someone who was never meant to stay. Losing you was hard, but keeping you was harder. Losing you was a lesson but not a loss. Losing you was my favorite win.
They tell you moving on is easy, but moving on is actually one of the most difficult things to do. Getting over someone is a constant state of missing someone to wishing they didn’t exist, to loving them to hating them, to wanting them to never talk to you again to hoping and wishing they’d send you a text. It slowly gets easier as the distance between you two gets greater, but I don’t know if you can truly get over someone you once cared about. They will always have a part of your heart and be a part of who you were and who you are, but I promise one day you’ll realize you deserve to be loved not considered, you deserved to be fought for not given up on, you will see that person was a lesson. Just keep moving forward.
You cannot just wake one day and decide to be happy. Happiness is a state of mind, not a state of being. You must chose to be happy, similar to the way you chose to be sad. Certain circumstances may influence your choice, however in the end the choice is ultimately yours.
It doesn’t always work out for the better– I am no stranger to this. Sometimes there is a rat caught in the fibers that make up this universe and it throws everything out of balance. There are broken hearts without resolution, inequity without justice, doctors who call it without anyone to break the tragedy to. So this one is for you. The man at the bar looking for answers at the bottom of his cup and playing last call on repeat for weeks on end until he feels something other than the grief of her leaving. This one is for you. The little girl who uses God synonymously with Death because that was the last word her momma uttered before taking her last breath. This one is for you. The widowed who was two red lights too slow to make it to the hospital bed before flatlines became the lullabies of the night. This one is for you. All the goodbyes you have stored up in your mind because they never made it out on time. These words are yours. And I know it’s not enough to stem the vessels bleeding out of your chest, but trust me– they know it too, and if they could have their last words it would be that life goes on and in time, so will you.
Don’t delete the pictures. Delete his messages and maybe even his number if it helps you move on, but don’t delete the pictures you took with him. Trust me, my mom always said, in 20 years, you’ll want to remember the boy who broke your heart when you were sixteen. I know it makes you feel like you are going to vomit when you see the twinkle in his blue eyes or the angle of his pronounced cheekbones. I know it kills you inside but you will regret deleting them more than you will regret taking them in the first place. He will be a lesson to your kids or a boy-you-once-knew heartache or even a flitting memory you smile at when you page through old scrapbooks. He once made you happy, he once was one of the most important people in your life, and he once made you happier than you could’ve ever imagined. Dont delete the pictures. You’ll thank yourself later.