Tall and blonde were the two things I felt like I needed to be for me to have more attention from him instead of her getting it all. When I found out about the other girl I cried so hard I puked for two days straight. It hurt. It hurt badly. I couldn’t tell her about him and I because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings even though mine were already hurt. The night of the show at Skyway I cried until I couldn’t breathe when I found out he went with her instead of me. I wore my heart on my sleeve for him and all he did was make me regret every second of it. I now can’t see him and pretend like he didn’t hurt me when he gave her attention. I can’t pretend like it doesn’t bother me every time I see him and think he picked her over me. There were more days than I can count that I wondered why I wasn’t good enough. There were more days than I can count that I wondered if I could even find the strength to get out of bed. Because the thing is I’ve never been someone’s first choice. I’m always their backup plan. I’m never the person someone makes plans with first, I’m someone they make plans with after their first plans fall through. I tried really hard and I learned no matter how much you try some people will never be satisfied. I’ve also learned that usually the best people are ones that come as a surprise. But the best people also continue to surprise you. Through all the hurt and pain he gave me some of the best moments of my life. He didn’t fit into my neat pre-packaged plan. It was mess and inconvenient at times. I never want to forget him but forgiving him will take a long time. He told me he really liked me, he got my hopes up. He wrote “u r cute” on my front window and ever since I haven’t touched it when I clean my car and that’s all I need to look at when I’m having a bad day.
To be completely honest, sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes we don’t know if we’ll make it through. Sometimes we don’t know where we are headed or the “why” behind our circumstances. Sometimes our hearts break. Sometimes we lose people we love and our worlds are left in pieces. Sometimes we feel helpless. Sometimes we’re scared. Sometimes we don’t want to open our eyes when we hear that alarm clock go off. But here’s the thing, today you did. Today you opened your eyes. Today you shrugged out of bed. Today you took a breath, you steped forward, and you continued. And that’s what’s truly admireable. And I know it’s hard. Moving forward was damn hard. But you did it. You continued. And so, today, I only hope for one thing: I hope that you learn to laugh. I know your days are tough. I know you believe in goodness, because goodness had failed you time and time again. I know you ache, I know. But I hope you learn to laugh today. And I hope you laugh until it doesn’t hurt as much. Until you forget. And I hope that laughter gives you strength. Because believe me when I say that you are powerful. Believe me when I say you can do this.
If you’re reading this and you’re not happy right now, you will be. I don’t know what you’re going through. Everyone has their own type of darkness that they are trying to make sense of, but no matter how dark it gets, you’ll do it. Life gets better, you’ll get better. Life will become brighter, and you’ll look back on days like these when you couldn’t look forward to the next hour, let alone the next day. When you do, you’ll smile, maybe even laugh, and it will hit you. You turned out just fine.
I’ll benfor myself, everything you couldn’t be. I’ll wake up and tell myself that I have a purpose. I’ll give myself pep talks when I’m feeling down. I’ll take myself on dates and get my favorite food. I’ll make sure to listen to my thoughts. I’ll take care of myself. I won’t neglect anything that has to do with my heart. Because the truth is there is nothing you could have done for me that I couldn’t have done for myself, but I wanted you to make me feel less alone, to make me feel like there was someone out there that cared as much as I did. And I think that’s the most important lesson you learn when you fall for the wrong person; that you could be everything you want to yourself if you really had to and that sometimes you’re the only person you can really count on. You’re the only person that’s not going to leave you and the love you give yourself is all that really matters. So this is my vow to myself— I promise I’ll always be there for me, I promise to be kinder to myself when I start doubting my existence, I promise to be aware of my thoughts and feelings and cater to them. And I promise as long as I live, I’ll always love myself, even when it’s hard, even when I’m being difficult, even when I’m not perfect, and even if no one else loves me. I’ll never give up on myself. I’ll always be proud of myself and the battles that I have fought. I’ll be my forever and I’ll be there for myself through thick and thin. I finally realized that what I had been looking for was already in me, it just took me you not seeing it for me to see it.
Have you ever noticed that Rolls Royce and Bentley don’t have commercials? Well they know the value of their product brings customers to them. The lesson is when you know your value, you don’t have to beg people to like you, to be your friend, to spend time with you, or to love you. Be confident in who you are Everyone can’t afford the luxury of your friendship.
I fee like I hear all the time “When I am this I’ll be happy” or “When I get this old I’ll be happy” or even more common “When I get this I’ll be happy.” I’m sorry but you have the power to make yourself happy and it shouldn’t be in the hands of material objects. You don’t have to wait until the weekend or the summer to be happy. You can make yourself happy right here and right now. Happiness is a state of mind. You don’t have to have the best of everything to be happy. If we all had to have the best of everything to be happy there would be a lot of unhappy people living. So go out there and be happy!
If you want 2017 to be your year, don’t sit on the couch and wait for it. Go out. Fucking make a change. Smile more. Be excited. Do more things. Clean your room. Throw away what you have been cluttering. Unfollow negative people on social media. Go to bed early. Wake up early. Kick ass. Every damn day.