At first, I was hurt. I was angry. I was bitter but then I became grateful because when you let me down, you made me change my life. Thank you for taking your love away from me. Thank you for not telling me things I needed to hear to love myself. Thank you for not showering me with the love and support I needed to thrive. Thank you for constantly reminding me that I’ll never find love in your arms because you forced me to fight for another kind of live. You forced me to love myself without your help and you forced me to look for the kind of love you never had, the kind of love you never knew. You made me realize that all you knew was a hostile kind of love. The kind of love that hurts and offends people. The kind of love that keeps score. The kind of love that turns into a war of who cares less, who’s always wrong and who can lose faster. Thank you for showing what kind of love I really don’t need in my life. Thank you for letting me down. Thank you for leaving. Thank you for the hurt, for the confusion. You forced me to upgrade. You forced me to find myself. You forced me to find better and more loving people and you forced me to find a better life. A life where I don’t have to be condemned for being human, for making mistakes, for learning or for growing up. A life where I can be myself and still feel safe. A life where speaking up doesn’t cost you. A life where love is freely given without any tears, bruises, or injuries. A life, where I am happy. A life where I have finally stopped settling for the things I do not deserve.
To be completely honest, sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes we don’t know if we’ll make it through. Sometimes we don’t know where we are headed or the “why” behind our circumstances. Sometimes our hearts break. Sometimes we lose people we love and our worlds are left in pieces. Sometimes we feel helpless. Sometimes we’re scared. Sometimes we don’t want to open our eyes when we hear that alarm clock go off. But here’s the thing, today you did. Today you opened your eyes. Today you shrugged out of bed. Today you took a breath, you steped forward, and you continued. And that’s what’s truly admireable. And I know it’s hard. Moving forward was damn hard. But you did it. You continued. And so, today, I only hope for one thing: I hope that you learn to laugh. I know your days are tough. I know you believe in goodness, because goodness had failed you time and time again. I know you ache, I know. But I hope you learn to laugh today. And I hope you laugh until it doesn’t hurt as much. Until you forget. And I hope that laughter gives you strength. Because believe me when I say that you are powerful. Believe me when I say you can do this.
I’ll be for myself, everything you couldn’t be. I’ll wake up and tell myself that I have a purpose. I’ll give myself pep talks when I’m feeling down. I’ll take myself on dates and get my favorite food. I’ll make sure to listen to my thoughts. I’ll take care of myself. I won’t neglect anything that has to do with my heart. Because the truth is there is nothing you could have done for me that I couldn’t have done for myself, but I wanted you to make me feel less alone, to make me feel like there was someone out there that cared as much as I did. And I think that’s the most important lesson you learn when you fall for the wrong person; that you could be everything you want to yourself if you really had to and that sometimes you’re the only person you can really count on. You’re the only person that’s not going to leave you and the love you give yourself is all that really matters. So this is my vow to myself— I promise I’ll always be there for me, I promise to be kinder to myself when I start doubting my existence, I promise to be aware of my thoughts and feelings and cater to them. And I promise as long as I live, I’ll always love myself, even when it’s hard, even when I’m being difficult, even when I’m not perfect, and even if no one else loves me. I’ll never give up on myself. I’ll always be proud of myself and the battles that I have fought. I’ll be my forever and I’ll be there for myself through thick and thin. I finally realized that what I had been looking for was already in me, it just took me you not seeing it for me to see it.
You are losing me and not even realizing it. You lose me a little more every time you do not answer my calls on purpose. You lose me a little more every time you choose someone else when the only person I ever chose is you. You lose me a little more every time you take me for granted. You lose me a little more every time I go to bed wondering, “why am I not good enough for him?” But, I am more than enough for you. It’s you that is not good enough for me. Because if you were worthy of me, you would realize my value. And one day you will lose me for good. Because I’m going to get to a point where there is nothing more I have to offer and I will walk away. And it will hurt me to do so. Because I looked at you with wide eyes full of faith that depleted over time. One day I will be the one not answering. One day those snaps you send will be ignored and you will send another just in case. It will scare the shit out of you, the moment I start threatening you the way you threatened me. You will ask me out and I will politely decline. You will blow up my newsfeed and begin to become more interested in what I am up to but more than that who I am with. Because it is not you making me smile anymore. You will miss the nights when I laid beside you and all I ever wanted to do was talk. The silence will kill you, and you wish for just one more conversation. You will hold onto everything I ever got you and it will be a hurtful reminder of the me; a girl who loved you just a little too much. And maybe you will look back and remember there was not a mystery to me. But there was an honesty you have never known in someone. I did not play games like the others. And as you fumble through girl after girl, you will find something in them all missing. It will be in them you look for me but I will never be found.
I never knew how beautiful a broken soul could be. I never really understood the concept of loving someone for everything they are and not just loving the parts I liked. I never knew how attached I could become to another person. I never knew it was possible to find myself in another person. I never knew the importance of showing appreciation or receiving appreciation. I never knew just how much ONE person could make such a HUGE difference in my life until I met you. As cliche as it sounds I have to admit you are different but a kind of different; You make the impossible, possible.
When you ask if we could be friends this is what you are really asking for: You are asking me to talk to you about other guys and maybe ask you for advice, you are asking me to sped my late nights with someone else, to stay up on the phone with someone else and maybe one day I will cancel on you because I have a date. You are asking me to take back my good morning and good night texts, my undivided attention, you are telling me it is okay if I am not always there for you, you are letting me get away with not putting you first and you are telling me that it is okay to give all my love in to someone else while you are there watching. You are giving me the opportunity to start seeing other guys as more than friends, you are giving me the time to get to know others on a deeper level and you are giving me the chance to fall in love with someone else. When you say let’s be friends, you are asking me to hurt you. You are asking me to show you what you could have had but chose to lose. When you say let’s be friends, you are saying I am okay with losing you as both more than a friend and a friend. You are saying it is okay to watch me leave and be with someone else and you cannot say anything about it. Because you will realize that you had the chance, that this could have been you if only you tried harder, if only you were not so guarded, if only you did not use timing as an excuse, if only you had let your emotions guide you that one time…you cannot say anything but “if only” and I cannot say anything but “I told you so.” When you say let’s be friends you are asking for an invitation to my wedding day or maybe no invitation at all. When you say let;s be friends, I do not think you know what that means. I do not think you understand how it will change everything between us or how it will change me. When you say let’s be friends, you are asking me to leave you alone, to leave you lonely, to warm someone else up as you stay alone in the cold. When you say let’s be friends, you are saying goodbye. So let me ask you, is that what you really want?
If you have my number, please do not be afraid to use it. It is okay if it has been a week, a month, a decade, you have it for a reason. The number that you hold is not just my personal number, it is the direct line to hope and help. It is a direct line to support and its a direct line to understanding. I have been though rough times, and I have been through happy times, and I will always understand what made you want to pick up the phone. So if you are awake late at night like I am, and you wonder who to call because no one else will answer your texts, you can call me. I will always listen. And maybe sometimes, I will forget to text you back or call you back because life moves so rapidly, and some things slip through the cracks. But do not give up. Continue to text me. I will never be upset. Because if you have my number, you have my friendship. I hope you never go a night thinking that no one out there thinks of you, because I probably do, and I want to hear from you. It is alright if it has been awhile because life goes on, and I will have forgotten how much time has passed until I look at our last conversation and by then, we will already be talking. So if you have my number, please use it, and if you do not, please ask.