You are losing me and not even realizing it. You lose me a little more every time you do not answer my calls on purpose. You lose me a little more every time you choose someone else when the only person I ever chose is you. You lose me a little more every time you take me for granted. You lose me a little more every time I go to bed wondering, “why am I not good enough for him?” But, I am more than enough for you. It’s you that is not good enough for me. Because if you were worthy of me, you would realize my value. And one day you will lose me for good. Because I am going to get to a point where there is nothing more I have to offer and I will walk away. And it will hurt me to do so. Because I looked at you with wide eyes full of faith that depleted over time. One day I will be the one not answering. One day those snaps you send will be ignored and you will send another just in case. It will scare the shit out of you, the moment I start threatening you the way you threatened me. You will ask me out and I will politely decline. You will blow up my newsfeed and begin to become more interested in what I am up to but more than that who I am with. Because it is not you making me smile anymore. You will miss the nights when I laid beside you and all I ever wanted to do was talk. The silence will kill you, and you wish for just one more conversation. You will hold onto everything I ever got you and it will be a hurtful reminder of the me; a girl who loved you just a little too much. And maybe you will look back and remember there was not a mystery to me. But there was an honesty you have never known in someone. I did not play games like the others. And as you fumble through girl after girl, you will find something in them all missing. It will be in them you look for me but I will never be found.
I never knew how beautiful a broken soul could be. I never really understood the concept of loving someone for everything they are and not just loving the parts I liked. I never knew how attached I could become to another person. I never knew it was possible to find myself in another person. I never knew the importance of showing appreciation ore receiving appreciation. I never knew just how much ONE person could make such a HUGE difference in my life until I met you. As cliche as it sounds I have to admit you are different but a kind of different; You make the impossible, possible.
When you ask if we could be friends this is what you are really asking for: You are asking me to talk to you about other guys and maybe ask you for advice, you are asking me to sped my late nights with someone else, to stay up on the phone with someone else and maybe one day I will cancel on you because I have a date. You are asking me to take back my good morning and good night texts, my undivided attention, you are telling me it is okay if I am not always there for you, you are letting me get away with not putting you first and you are telling me that it is okay to give all my love in to someone else while you are there watching. You are giving me the opportunity to start seeing other guys as more than friends, you are giving me the time to get to know others on a deeper level and you are giving me the chance to fall in love with someone else. When you say let’s be friends, you are asking me to hurt you. You are asking me to show you what you could have had but chose to lose. When you say let’s be friends, you are saying I am okay with losing you as both more than a friend and a friend. You are saying it is okay to watch me leave and be with someone else and you cannot say anything about it. Because you will realize that you had the chance, that this could have been you if only you tried harder, if only you were not so guarded, if only you did not use timing as an excuse, if only you had let your emotions guide you that one time…you cannot say anything but “if only” and I cannot say anything but “I told you so.” When you say let’s be friends you are asking for an invitation to my wedding day or maybe no invitation at all. When you say let;s be friends, I do not think you know what that means. I do not think you understand how it will change everything between us or how it will change me. When you say let’s be friends, you are asking me to leave you alone, to leave you lonely, to warm someone else up as you stay alone in the cold. When you say let’s be friends, you are saying goodbye. So let me ask you, is that what you really want?
If you have my number, please do not be afraid to use it. It is okay if it has been a week, a month, a decade, you have it for a reason. The number that you hold is not just my personal number, it is the direct line to hope and help. It is a direct line to support and its a direct line to understanding. I have been though rough times, and I have been through happy times, and I will always understand what made you want to pick up the phone. So if you are awake late at night like I am, and you wonder who to call because no one else will answer your texts, you can call me. I will always listen. And maybe sometimes, I will forget to text you back or call you back because life moves so rapidly, and some things slip through the cracks. But do not give up. Continue to text me. I will never be upset. Because if you have my number, you have my friendship. I hope you never go a night thinking that no one out there thinks of you, because I probably do, and I want to hear from you. It is alright if it has been awhile because life goes on, and I will have forgotten how much time has passed until I look at our last conversation and by then, we will already be talking. So if you have my number, please use it, and if you do not, please ask.
When someone breaks our heart, we so desperately want them to know how much they hurt us, thinking it will change something. But it doesn’t. They can respond empathetically, feel guilt, and hopefully learn how to avoid hurting someone so badly in the future, but you’re hurt isn’t going to change the situation and likely won’t make them feel anywhere near as bad as you do. Even if they did something horrible, they are h telling themselves whatever they can so they can feel better too, we are all always in survival mode- “They Are hurting now, but it’s what is best for them in the long run,” “It was unavoidable.” Whether their internal dialogue is true or not, we are experts at convincing ourselves that our actions are justified. Your pain is yours to work though, no person can be both the cause and solution of your hurt. Don’t be afraid of expressing it because it’s real and can be so overwhelming, but you don’t need to “prove” your pain, hoping for some sort of response. If anything, it will push them away further, and delay your moving forward. Ultimately, you don’t want to be with someone only because they don’t want you to be sad, or because they feel sorry for you. You shouldn’t guilt someone into loving you, and them pulling a lesson from the situation is their task. You work on your own.
I am not going to lie. I am hard to put up with, honestly. Sometimes I am very stubborn, may hold a bit of a grudge, or I just want your attention. There is so much more to me than what I show people. I care so much, and even if I am just talking to you, I would not talk to you if I did not have intentions of being with you. I am not with you, to just have a label. I want to know everything about you. I want to go so much deeper than your favorite colors, movies, and foods. I want to go so much deeper than your childhood. I want to know what you think about during the day when everything is crazy, or at night when you cannot sleep. I am not going to run off when things get hard, I am not only going to stay because things are going fine. I want to see you at your worst, and I can promise you I will still want you. Your best is great, but I want to see both sides of you. I want to see you when you are angry, or when you are sad. I want to be silly with you, and I want to lay with you and have deep conversations. I want to go on long drives to anywhere and listen to you sing even if you cannot sing. I want to go on cute and fun dates. I want to go for long hikes in the woods/mountains. I want to take pictures just because. I want you to be happy. I want you to feel loved. I want you to feel wanted by me. I want you to know that I am not leaving. I want you to know I am here for you when you need me. I want to see you smile all of the time. I want you, and I want everything that comes with you.
I forgive you. You never apologized for everything that you ever put me through and you probably didn’t even notice any of it because people usually don’t notice things they don’t care about, and that’s what I was to you. I was just another person that existed, I was just another person that made you feel like you were worth something. All you ever did was make me feel incomplete. Id wonder why all day you did not care about me the way I cared about you. I always knew what i was to you but I tried to ignore it for so long, I convinced myself otherwise because when you know that the person you care about, does not even give one care in the world about you something inside you shuts off and I couldn’t deal with that and I didn’t want to accept that so I kept trying to see something that was never there. I think that’s what destroyed me in the end, knowing the reality of what we were but trying to look past that and find something that wasn’t there. I forgive you for all of it. I forgive you for the nights I stayed up crying because you chose her. I forgive you for leaving and then coming back just so you could leave all over again. I forgive you for the things that you said when you and I both knew you didn’t mean them. And I forgive you for using me. I forgive myself for everything that I put myself though. I forgive myself for letting myself believe that you really were the greatest part of me. I forgive myself for caring about you when you weren’t worth a damn thought. Because after stepping away, I see it all so clearly now. After I accepted what I really was to you, everything else made more sense. I destroyed myself in loving you and caring about you and for that I am so sorry but when I say I forgive you, I mean I forgive myself, I forgive giving so much of myself to someone that didn’t care how my day was going. I forgive myself for all the hurt I endured.